Mix Tabasco and Worcestershire sauces into the ground beef and form into patties. Allow patties to rest 4-24 hours, refrigerated. Don’t fret if rest time is impossible. Just mix everything together right before cooking.

To cook burgers: heat a seasoned cast iron skillet or ridged grill pan to medium-high heat.  A heavy nonstick pan can be used so long as surface can tolerate high heat.  Cook burgers approximately 5 minutes per side, turning at least once for medium-well interior, 7 minutes a side for well-done.  I like to add sliced onions to the pan to cook alongside the burgers.

Fans of rare burgers: start with 3 minutes a side, checking discreetly with a knife.  Rare burgers are a fine thing so long as your meat is impeccably fresh.

For optional sauce: mix mayonnaise, catsup, and Sriracha in a small bowl.

For oven fries: Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Line an 11×13 baking sheet with foil. Scrub and slice potatoes lengthwise.  Whether or not to peel is your choice.  Lay the potatoes on the baking sheet, pour over a bit of olive oil, salt liberally. Cook for one hour ten minutes.

Serve this divinely caloric mess with condiments of your choice (not foie gras, please), cold beer, and resolutions to eat salad at your next meal.